please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
