I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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