The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
