There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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