my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
