How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
