I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
