Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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