Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
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