apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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