i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
