apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
