This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
