exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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