Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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