There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
