i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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