I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
