This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
