Sober January is a disaster.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
