It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
