I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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