Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
