I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
