I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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