Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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