Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
