i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
