i just sent this text using only my big toe
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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