I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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