when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
