Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
