I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
