I wish they made helmets for livers.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
