Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
