She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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