I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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