Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
