Where did you get a picture of my penis
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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