You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
