pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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