we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
