Its about making memories worth repressing
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
