they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
