Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
