How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
