i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
God gave him joint rollers for hands
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
