Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
