After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Randomize
