I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
