I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
