Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
