i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
